Among the many retirement fantasies that I have, going back to school figures prominently. So does being able to attend every home game. Recently I was thinking about how much fun it would be to have a third house in Blacksburg dedicated to tailgating at and watching Virginia Tech football.

Seriously, how bad ass would a dedicated tailgate house be?

You would want a place far enough away from the college kids so you could actually sleep at night without hearing a party but you would want to be close enough to still keep that college feel. You’d want the place to be built sturdily enough so you didn’t have to worry about it the way you do your permanent residence. Obviously, there was only one solution. You’d have to buy an entire floor of a dormitory.

Owning your own dorm.

How amusing would it be to own your own floor of an on-campus residence hall? Personally, I’d take the top 2 floors of a dorm near the football stadium. Imagine how the on-campus tour guides would have to factor that into their walks:

Here is Pritchard hall, the all male residence. Here is Cochrane – the student athlete dormitory. And here is Ambler-Johnston, a 7 floor co-ed dorm with the top two floors owned by a billionaire alumni who thinks he’s batman.

We decided that even more amusing than owning your own dorm – or a few floors of your own dorm – would be getting a friend to play the role of Alfred, the butler. Let’s imagine some of the possible exchanges:

  • “Sir, the R.A. is here to see you. Again.”
  • “Another Beast Lite, sir, or were the first 20 enough for this morning?”
  • “Very good, Master Bruce. And what other plans did you have for the rest of this duct tape?”
  • “Perhaps we should stroll down to 5 East and see if any of the ladies are still up?”
  • “No sir, I don’t think you necessarily NEED pants, however they may be appropriate.”
  • “No sir, I don’t think that mid-thigh length robe looks ridiculous at all.
  • “Shall I pack you a road cooler or are you planning on being back soon?”
  • “Very well then, I’ll warm up the hot tub, make sure the fridge is fully stocked, and tell the RAs that there’s no need to come talk to us… we know their concerns and will continue to ignore them.”
  • “Yes I do plan on wearing this down there.”
  • “I’ll have you know that the ladies of 5 East happen to love the banana hammock and beer box helmet outfit.”

As you can see, we would make a highly-deranged Bruce and Alfred mix on campus. What would you do?

Comments (2)

All that grown up exterior and you’re still a trouble making child on the inside…..Perhaps you are the one in the mask CW.


If it means a lifetime of amusement, I fully embrace my inner child. No mask here. Aside from the obvious nom-de-plume, of course.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *


This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.