Some have asked what F-Club would have to do with being a Cubicle Warrior? Fair question.

Why is F-Club Listed Under Endure?

You may have noticed F-Club falls under the core categorization of Endure in the Cubicle S.E.R.E model. It really could have gone under any Here’s why:

Cubicle Work Will Kill You

(Survive) Many Corporations own life insurance on their underlings. On the surface we are told this is to fund retirement obligations (See COLI – Corporate Owned Life Insurance.) I’m not sure there isn’t a more sinister reason for the ‘dead peasant insurance.’

No matter if you believe humans evolved from chimps or were placed here by heavenly hand, I doubt you think are bodies are meant to be in a cube farm. Hours spent sitting, unmoving beneath a florescent lamp, breathing in carcinogenic cleaners and shards of man-made fibers, with a powerful electromagnet (your PC) on at all times right at crotch level while you stare with all of your attention and might at a freaking electron ray gun (your monitor), pausing only time and again to eat a bunch of processed foods that you wouldn’t feed your dog.

Yeah, sounds safe when put that way, doesn’t it? The only way to get a cubicle denizen on the positive side of health is to maintain a sane and effective diet seasoned liberally with copious amounts of exercise and adventure.

Exercise = Happy Coworkers

(Endure) Trust me, getting your body in shape through F-Club will make you a much better worker.

First, the less stressed you are, the better you perform under pressure. Exercise gives you a constructive, positive outlet for work-induced stress and makes you a leaner (literally), clearer mind for attacking work problems. After the initial fatigue, you’ll have tons of new energy and rational thinking ability to tackle your offices’ most difficult problems as well as the stamina to see them to fruition.

Secondly, work fucking sucks. If it didn’t, you wouldn’t be reading a website dedicating to getting the fuck out of there in the most efficient, rational way, would you?

Next, notice how adventures out of the workplace lead to stronger bonds inside? How many managers and their echelon have played ball together in a side rec league? How many bonds were made at the corporate picnic when the boss realized you could sky and school his rival division?

The phenomenally increased discipline that F-Club teaches you can be applied in spades to the work place. You know how to identify a problem, take rational steps to solve it, and how to measure (and celebrate) success. Do that at work every day and you will go far, grasshopper.

Finally, Fat People Get Promoted Last. It’s true. How many obese suns of bitches do you see waddling through the cubicle realm? Now, how many slim photogenic guys and gals do you see through the executive ranks and in positions of power? Exactly. Looking good naked (and in a suit) may as well be a prerequisite to higher income.

A Different Mind Set

(Resist) An F-Club coworker is a different kind of cubicle animal- physically and mentally. See how your cubemates dig into that cheap, free pizza and Walmart sheet cake with abandon. I mean, shit, it’s not even the good kind of pizza (found in Brooklyn) or the good cake (found in a the home of a Czech ex-pat.) Why would you clog your arteries, jack up your waistline, shorten your lifespan, and decimate all hope of the workplace advantages enumerated above for that kind of shit?

F-Club teaches you to set limits and boundaries. You’re expected to eat healthful meals several times a day and make non-negotiable exercise appointments. You have goals and boundaries, and you will tell people to respect them. Imagine the following scenario:

“Sorry, Bob. I’d really love to stay all night and create those TPS report headers you need but I have to leave right now and go to the gym. John from accounting is waiting for me there. I’ll do them first thing tomorrow morning.”

Since you already have more energy and aptitude than any one else in the office, Bob really won’t be able to say shit. You are an important person who kicks ass in the office and makes yourself better outside of it. Plus, he’s going to be pretty damn envious that you’re networking at the gym with the head of the accounting department.

Being in Shape is Cheaper and Better than the Alternative

F-Club has practical applications for the day you kiss this office wasteland behind. It’s no secret that the major cost of most small businesses and those who retire early is health care. Why not be proactive now and save yourself the cost of medicine. Teddy Roosevelt taught himself not to be asthmatic through rigorous exercise. Modern research shows that the onset of adult diabetes can be attributed to diet and activity levels. (Ask your doctor for a list of diseases you can expect not to have by getting in awesome shape and staying that way your whole life.) Then extrapolate the savings in terms of hospital care and prescription drugs not bought.

Also, the day you’re dreaming of – the day you walk into your bosses’ office, slap down your two-weeks notice (pissing on said notice is optional), and get the hell out of Dodge – doesn’t that day seem sweeter if you are in awesome shape? Who imagines retiring decades ahead of their peers to a tropical island as a fat bastard? Not you.

Quality of Life

Ultimately, being a Cubicle Warrior is all about taking control of your life out of the hands of your corporate masters and bringing the power back to yourself. F-Club’s results- physical, spiritual, mental are all part and parcel of that same mission. Now, go out there, set your plan and achieve your dream.

Comments (2)

“Moving about in a heavy body is like driving in a gas guzzler.”

Well, that article is going to cause some controversy!

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